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Life after death -

What happens when a romance involves somebody whose spouse has died? And what should you do when you find yourself interested in them?

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Challenging prospect -

Dating can be challenging as an older adult due to a lifetime of previous relationships. Furthermore, it can be hard to interpret the signals when embarking on a relationship as a mature individual. This is especially so if recently widowed.

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Finding a connection -

Indeed, romantically connecting with someone who has lost a spouse poses a unique set of challenges.

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Proceed with caution -

The rule of thumb is to proceed with caution. Dating in your golden years can be quite different than your teenage years.

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Give it time -

If you begin dating a widow or widower, it's important to understand that while the emotional need for companionship will be strong, they need some time.

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Pace yourself -

Indeed, a romance with someone who has lost a spouse may progress at a different pace. Patience is the key word for both parties.

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In their own time -

You'll need to be extra sensitive to the other's feelings. Allow them to express their grief in their own way, at their own pace. Taking things slowly allows the relationship to progress carefully and sensitively.

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Painful process -

Grieving is a healthy sign, though the process hurts. Even if the widow or widower is open to another romantic partnership, that doesn't mean the deceased spouse has been forgotten.

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Emotional -

Your partner will experience an emotional roller-coaster of highs and lows. Allow them to freely express their thoughts and feelings about their loss. Be supportive. Be a good listener.

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Dearly departed -

It's not unusual to be told that you remind them of their late spouse. The huge hole left by a significant other's departure means the one left grieving will very often talk about their deceased partner. Don't feel offended. This is also part of the grieving process.

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Guilty feelings -

An overwhelming sense of guilt will affect the one left behind. It's not easy to start a new relationship after being bereaved. Previous relationships never really go away and feelings of betrayal will be difficult to ignore. How do you deal with this challenge?

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Second chance -

Bereaved partners nearly always maintain emotional ties to their departed. But things start to improve when they believe that true love is possible the second time round. Realizing this also reinforces their conviction that being with you has helped them cope.

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Watch for red flags -

Any relationship is a two-way process. While you may be concerned about your new partner's feelings, it's important to consider yours, too. Caution should be observed before you start giving your heart away dating a widow or widower.

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On the rebound? -

It's very easy to rebound off somebody when grieving. Sometimes when someone loses a spouse, the obvious reaction is to try and fill that void. Look out for mixed signals or any signs of clingy, overbearing behavior. You may be the victim of a rebound relationship.

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Are you feeling welcome? -

Another red flag to look out for is when a widow or widower feels uncomfortable introducing a new partner to family and friends. In extreme circumstances, they may not even want to be seen in your company within the wider community. If this is the case, then clearly they are not ready to be as one with you.

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Together but separate -

Even an activity as benign as a stroll on the beach can indicate an unwillingness to embrace a new partner if your recently bereaved companion feels uncomfortable taking your hand and walking in union.

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It's about communication -

To overcome these issues you both need to clearly communicate your relationship needs and goals.

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Ready or not? -

The obvious question is how the relationship stands—or is heading. If your bereaved companion is constantly talking about their loss, it may be a sign the person hasn't moved on and isn't ready for a new relationship. If this is the case, you may be better off as friends for now.

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The next level -

After allowing for a period of adjustment and presuming the widow or widower sees an actual future with you, the relationship will progress on to the next level. It's still important to respect the memory they have of their late spouse, and there may be times when they want to share a few details about their marriage. Allow them. Demonstrate curiosity.

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Respect their wishes -

As the relationship progresses, it's inevitable that certain anniversaries will come round. These will be testing times. For example, your partner may want to celebrate their late spouse's birthday alone, as a moment of reflection. Even more so perhaps on the anniversary of their passing. All you can do is be respectful of their wishes.

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Moving forward together -

In time, however, you'll both create new memories and traditions together, special occasions to cherish as you move forward together as a couple.

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Mementoes of a life gone by -

As you settle into a new life together, there may well still be some unwritten rules to follow. For instance, your partner will probably exercise their right to keep photographs or other memories of their late spouse-

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Caring and sharing -

Maintaining memories of a loved one will always be important to the partner left behind. But this should not be interpreted as a threat to your relationship. If you do end up sharing a space or moving in together, that will serve as the moment to discuss these issues carefully and sensitively.

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What about the children? -

So far we've talked about the grieving widow and the grieving widower. But the passing of a mature adult who is a parent of course affects others. In the best-case scenario, your new partner's children will welcome you with open arms. Adolescent children will perhaps understand better than youngsters the situation and react accordingly. But getting children on board with a new relationship per se can be tricky.

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Grieving kids -

Your new companion may have children who are still grieving their deceased parent. Managing your relationship with offspring of a widow or widower therefore requires patience and tact. 

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Difficult to accept -

They may see you as an unwelcome replacement for their deceased mother or father. They may also be upset to see their surviving parent moving on with a comparative stranger. In the worse-case scenario, they may refuse to accept you and display little interest in welcoming a person who would occupy such an important position in their parent's life.

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Patience is a virtue -

In the same way you gave your new partner time to process things, you'll need to extend the same courtesy to their kids.

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Special person -

Remember, it's not your job to replace your new companion's partner. Instead, it's about finding someone special to fall in love with.

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New relationship, new future -

By casting aside all doubts and fears—and by being absolutely honest with one other—it is possible to settle into a new relationship and find happiness again. 

Sources: (Mens Sana Monographs) (Daily Mail) (Abel Keogh)

See also: Dating rules you break (and ones you really shouldn't)

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