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Pretend to be asleep -

The most shameful and yet the most relatable secret of all, most parents have at least once pretended to be asleep so that the other parent had to get up for that middle-of-the-night diaper change.

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Bend the screen-time rules -

Every parent should try to keep their kids’ screen time to a minimum, but sometimes you just need your kid to be distracted by a tablet in order to get stuff done!

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Feel relieved to see another kid having a public meltdown -

Especially after having experienced the giant, burning spotlight when your own kid had a meltdown in public, it can be weirdly comforting to see it happening to someone else.

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Throw out noise-making toys -

Whistles, kazoos, horns, and other noise-making toys that are typical of party favor bags just mysteriously disappear, and no parent ever knows where they went.

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Hide in the bathroom for me-time -

It’s hard being so accessible to needy children, so sometimes the only place parents can enjoy a little privacy and mental space is in the bathroom. It’s strange, but most parents associate a sanctuary with a toilet.

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Tell their kids white lies -

Honesty is the best policy—or so we tell our kids. In truth, sometimes it’s just easier to tell little white lies to protect their innocence, avoid uncomfortable topics, or just get them to stop annoying you. The ice-cream store is inexplicably closed tonight? Guess they’ll have to stop whining at least for today.

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Check to make sure their sleeping newborn is breathing -

New parents have all run to their baby’s crib to check if they’re still breathing. They just look so peaceful! Many parents have also shaken their kid out of sleep for the same reason, in case you were wondering when that anxiety was supposed to wear off.

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Sustain themselves on their kids’ leftovers -

When your kids come first, it’s suddenly easy to neglect your most basic needs. Many parents have made a meal of their kids' leftovers on more than a few occasions. It’s better than wasting it!

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Be a hypocrite -

Have you ever caught yourself doing the exact thing you recently yelled at your kid for doing? You’ve officially joined the parent club.

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Tell another grown adult that they have to go potty -

You make a note to yourself immediately afterwards that you have got to start hanging out with adults more often.

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Forget to be the tooth fairy -

Kids lose a lot of teeth, and that’s a lot of change to have on hand. Almost every parent has made up some ridiculous excuse for the tooth fairy not coming.

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Struggle when helping kids with simple math -

All parents dread the day their kids ask them for help with homework they themselves don’t understand. If you’ve tried to hide that you’re counting on your fingers to help them with simple math, you’re not alone.

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Hate the food their kid makes -

They wanted to do something sweet and brought you breakfast in bed, but you hated every bite of it. It’s the thought that counts…

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Lie about when they last showered -

The kids come first, which sometimes means your shower comes last. Plus, you heard how crazy everyone went over the celebrity bathing debate, so there’s no way you’re telling the truth!

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Bump up wine o’ clock -

It’s probably five o’ clock somewhere, right?

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Make disgusting meals to hide veggies -

It can feel like an impossible task to get your kids to eat vegetables, which is why most parents have resorted to trendy recipes online that hide veggies in kid-favorite foods. We’d like to take a moment of silence for all the broccoli tater tots that ended up in the trash…

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Feel jealous of their childless friends -

Parents love their children more than anything, but that doesn’t mean they can’t still feel jealous of their childless friends who get to do what they want and go where they please at any time that suits them.

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Lose sympathy for "tired" childless friends -

On the other hand, parents can also become a little spiteful when their childless friends complain about being tired. These are all very natural, reflexive feelings that shouldn’t carry shame—but probably also shouldn’t be uttered aloud!

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Take Halloween candy tax -

While sifting through their haul to make sure it’s all safe, you pocket a few of your favorite gummies and chocolates. It’s just a little tax to pay for the price of taking them through the best neighborhoods all evening, and it makes the annual event exciting for everyone.

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Get scared by their own kid -

Maybe you awoke to find them standing next to your bed and staring at you in the dark like a paranormal thriller, or they tore apart their plush animal and you're worried that maybe you're raising a serial killer. It happens to the best!

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Sway back and forth when not holding a baby -

Overexhaustion can make you do crazy things, like cradling and rocking a baby that isn’t even in your arms.

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The diaper sniff check -

Nothing can be gross anymore when you’re trying to raise a kid. It becomes so normal to put your nose close to poop.

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Have violent thoughts about someone giving unsolicited advice -

There’s nothing like receiving unsolicited parenting advice that makes you want to punch someone square in the face.

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Wipe their kids face with a licked finger -

Even the most prepared parents run out of wipes in public, and sometimes that means spit-shining food or dirt stains off your kid’s face.

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Let their kid stay home because they’re tired -

Some days it feels impossible to get up and get the kids dressed and fed on time for school, so you call them in sick and you all lounge in bed a little longer.

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Snoop on their kids -

It’s natural to want to know what your kids are up to and who they’re spending time with. Even though it’s a breach of trust, some parents go snooping. It’s not so morally offensive if it’s just healthy monitoring of their social media.

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Give their kid expired milk -

There’s no time to get to the store but the kids have to eat breakfast before school—what to do? Taste a bit of the expired milk just to make sure it’s okay, and remind yourself that you’re pretty sure you read somewhere that expiry dates are a little premature anyway.

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Lie about what time they put their kids to sleep -

Every parent wants to sound like they’ve got their kids on a routine and triumphantly get them to bed at the same time every night, but that’s rarely ever the case.

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Make the plainest food -

Sometimes it's the only thing your picky kid will eat, and sometimes it's all you have the energy to make. It's okay, at least they're being fed!

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Try to scare their kid with just a face -

It comes out of desperation, when you want to warn your kid not to do something but either lack the words or don’t want to attract attention in public. These faces are highly secret even to those making them, and they should not be practiced in the mirror for risk of never being able to take yourself seriously again.

Sources: (The List) (Mom.com)

See also: Lies kids tell that parents always fall for

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